HMTFWS: We Will Be Full of Plastic

So it's been forever but I have a really good excuse: I had a job! Yeah seriously, I was doing stuff to make money. But then I realized that money is totally overrated and all that matters in life is absorbing the internet. So here's a How Much The Future Will Suck I wrote last week, but forgot to put up here. More in a few days

HMTFWS: Wheelchairs

Cato and I went to a NYLaughs comedy in the park thing last Sunday. Eddie Brill said some cool stuff about our culture and how unhealthy it is. During his rant on soda being purely chemicals that can corrode car paint but we still drink he said, “Why's your kid on Ritalin? Because you give him processed sugar! You might as well give him crack. At least that has baking soda in it.”

If the government really wanted us to be healthy, they wouldn't be putting so much money into healthcare. They'd do things like making Meat and Bone Meal (that's what makes cows mad) illegal, and hand out free facemask for urban-dwellers instead of syringes.

So because I'm yapping about how much the present sucks, and because it's been a while, there's a brand new How Much The Future Will Suck! This one is for old people (which will be you when it becomes the future, so listen up!)

Giant Robots Are Meant To Blow Up Stuff

~What does zord mean?~
I just watched the reveal trailer for the new MechWarrior game and I'm pretty disappointed. I never really got into MechWarrior. Mainly because I didn't have a computer running windows, but also because the robots were boxy and slow compared to sleek acrobatic gundams. This video is supposed to show a reimagining but it looks like an old Godzilla movie reimagined in cgi.
If you're gonna have clunky, slow moving robots, might as well add a bunch of color to them, and make five of them that fuse into one giant one, and call it.. what would sound cool? Something that begins with a Z.. and ends in “ord.” wait, it will need mega at the beginning because that gives it +10 cool points. Okay, okay, I think I got it: A MegaZord.
It's been years since anything cool has happened with the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers franchise. Super Sentai has died out in Japan, leaving the American branch to fully film episodes. Transformers, GI Joe, and every Marvel character are all getting 21st century remakes, so why not something with the word Morphin' in it's title?

Transformers 2: Rise of the Ghettobot

~It's true. Lego and Hasbro have teemed up to bring you the most action packed toy commercial you will ever see.. until 2012~
It's been a really long time, so I'm gonna make this short and spoiler-free.

The main aspect of Transformers that got it popular was giant robots duking it out with each other. Metal fists breaking metal faces is amongst the top 10 most awesome things ever (3 of which still have yet to be discovered). Everyone knows that the failure of the first Transformers was the surprising lack of metal faces blowing up.

Revenge does it right.

Right from the start robots are driving around beating each other up so bad you can't tell who's Decepticon and Autobot. Prime redeems himself as badass leader (just watch him, don't listen. Actually, you could probably watch the whole movie muted and it'd be better). Actually, the movie should be listed as an Action-Comedy, and hopefully for number 3 they will drop the drama (less slow-motion heart throbbing music, more Stan Bush – Megan Fox's slo-mo bouncing boobs can stay though). The CGI budget went way up and it shows in fully 3D scenes of Transformer headquarters.

There was some weird stuff with Megatron being a lot smaller in this one, Starscream as more of a lackey than a backstabber, still too much human, Optimus can now transform into a gundam, Ironhide and this green guy are British?, why does the plot revolve around humans when there's a whole milky way of stars? But most of all, people seem to be pissed about the ghettobots.

Apparently we live in an age where robots can star as minstrel characters. Skids and Mudflap are Autobot twins who fight with each other, speak ebonics, and serve as the movies comic relief. Just because someone speaks ebonics, has a gold tooth, and can't read a dead language doesn't mean they're African American. Also, according to movie-law, if the twins were black, they should have died first. But it doesn't matter what I saw because people will always look for a racial character to iconify as their reason to bitch (no one says anything about the Egyptian midget security guard). Personally, I think the ghettobots were the most developed characters in the whole movie. No other characters make their goals clear, open up to the audience, or make sense like the ghettobots do. When they're scared, it makes sense, when they're ready to fight, you're ready to see them kick ass, when they grieve it's as personal as little Daniel crying on Prime's leg. None of the other characters have the kind of depth they did. Some transformers were introduced and ripped apart before they even got a line in (the sign of a great transformers movie. I have a feeling there will be more of this is #3). Plus, they combo-transformed into an ice cream truck. Best super power ever.

So give the duo a chance and enjoy the metallic mayhem.

PS- This movie made a big point about out-of-the-house run conspiracy theories with internet videos and blogs. What will that, eBay, and a third mystery hobby accumulate too? I don't know exactly, but I'm sure something with robot tentacles controlling our minds through the internet.

July 4th! Screw Britain

Music Video to celebrate the grandest of American holy days!
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Mind Control Robot Army Is Now Real

~He's thinking: TRANSFAAATS!~
Recently some mad docs over in Japanland have made major process in creating a mind controlled wheelchair. Reproving that all Japanese scientists simply want to create gundams. In this case, the psycoframe (I'm sorry about the geocities link, but that site has SO MUCH information, I couldn't pass it up).

Right now, the thing takes 125 milliseconds to translate “BURROWED LURKER! TURN RIGHT!” into wheel movement. It works by sensing brain waves using an EEG, and watching cheek puffs. I don't know what a cheek puff is, but it makes the chair stop so it must be important and easy.

Meanwhile, Honda has brought their Asimo one step closer to being the icon of never-leave-your-room future. This time, you strap into a chair with a giant box attached to a bowl that goes on your head and you think really hard about your right hand, your left hand, feet, or tongue (wait... is this robot pron?), and after 20 seconds (Ya I know! You could have done yourself by that time!) the Asimo moves for you.

What's really interesting is that they call this huge chair monster a Brain Machine Interface, or BMI. So in the future, when people ask for your BMI, they won't be checking if you're fat. Because everyone will be obese. They'll be figuring out what operating system you use to control your robot army servants.

Watch as Japan gets closer to world domination by robot!

Rufio Wins Again

Lots of people like to think that the fall of The Pirate Bay will initiate a new era of free entertainment. But until we have a utopia where robots serve us and we do nothing but create and absorb entertainment, artists will need to get paid to eat, which means the entertained will need to give if they want more entertainment.

There are already a few systems that work: pay per view, on demand, and television. Pay per view works just like going to a movie, or a video rental place, or a concert that isn't live, and it's really expensive. Once the majority gets comfortable with the internet these places will be completely extinct, replaced by NetFlix type services. The only way for movie theaters to survive is if they lower prices and make watching a film into a communal experience.

OnDemand services like Fox's are great because they provide currently airing shows completely free with three 15 second commercials. This creates a whole new world for advertisers (on one hand, less advertisements = less revenue, on the other, less advertisements = more focused advertisements = more revenue). The problem with these services is that they are not available for films and you can't watch every show you want, especially shows that are not airing (South Park does it right).

Finally, there is the most stable form of entertainment distribution: television. Television is great because it's cheap, plentiful, and reliable. I think it's really interesting that Hulu going not-free is completely overshadowed by TPB.

This system we use makes people feel they have an obligation to watch a movie (that was recorded with a shaky camera) on their tiny computer screens. Pirate Bay's resurrection as VideoBay is a good step towards an easier entertaining world, but I doubt it'll work flawless because the networks like their system and they control the producers and keep their army of online-phobic loyal.



In other news, mcchris FINALLY finished Part Six Part Two. This album's 3 months late and it's a preorder right now.. when's it gonna come out? Zuckuss' Prius is real snappy pappy though.. so maybe it'll be worth it.. it'll probably be worth it. (UPDATE! The song got taken down on myspace. Checkout YouTube for piratized)